


Hayloft

by gamersgores



Category: Dream Team (Video Blogging RPF), Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Character Death, Conditioned Internalized Homophobia, Death, Dream has severe daddy issues, Dream is forced to be his dads underboss, Dream is going to go through it, Dreams canonically rich, Drugs, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mafia AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pray for him, Sapnap does the weed, Sapnap will be whipped, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamersgores/pseuds/gamersgores
Summary: Dream lives in a world, a cruel world that has him following in the steps of the one man he hates with a burning passion, his own flesh and blood, his father. Living a dual life such as his requires delicate steps not to reveal anything, no slip-ups allowed, no friends, no happiness, or at least that's how he lived before the one person he felt safe with slowly broke down the walls he spent years building.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. Recrudescence

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is based on Hayloft by Mother Mother  
> Dreamnap is severely underrated, their real names will be used, but they'll mostly refer to each other with their personas.  
> I hope you all enjoy it!  
> I haven't written in a few years so hopefully, this doesn't suck lol.

Obnoxiously loud beeping rings through Dreams ears as he peels his tired eyes open and forces himself to sit up with all the willpower he has. A dull ache settles on his body as he slowly gets out of his bed and gracefully smacks his alarm clock until it finally shuts off. 

His feet drag along the cold wooden floor as he makes his way to his bathroom. His tired features soon coming into view as he flicks the light switch on, and the white light fills the room. He takes it upon himself to splash cold water on his face in an attempt to wake up, but the cold water running down his face does nothing, and the minty toothpaste he slathers on his toothbrush makes him feels nauseous. He attempts to fix up his appearance, combing through his messy, dirty blonde hair that falls messily in line with his eyes, washing his face properly to try and draw some color back to his slightly pale skin, and making his way back to his room to get dressed appropriately. 

The distant sounds of arguing is a broken record on repeat as Dream pulls on a pair of jeans and a hoodie that hung loosely over his body. As he makes his slow journey downstairs and the bickering voices get louder, he decides that breakfast didn’t sound all that appetizing. He swiftly makes his way to the front door and slips on whatever pair of shoes was closest before slinging his backpack over his shoulder, grabbing his keys off the holder on the wall, and slipping out of the front door without making a noise. He twirls his keys as he walks to his car and gets in, dropping his bag in the passenger seat and driving to school. 

Everything feels heavier the moment he steps through the doors; his hand immediately disappears into his backpack to pull out his earbuds. Relief washes over him as he focuses on the music blaring in his ears. He feels at peace as he subconsciously walks to his first class, his body is far too used to this routine, but the need to blend in and look like every other student overrides everything else. He’s pulled from his peaceful state as he enters the classroom, and he tugs on the cord of his earbuds, the real-world flooding his senses a little too heavily for his liking. He drops himself into his seat and easily zones himself out. 

He doesn’t even notice the teacher talking or the new student who didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of the class students. He didn’t notice as the class started and someone sat next to him. He was in his own world. 

Everything went by slowly; he’d hear fragments of sentences, would be pulled from his thoughts when a chair scraped against the floor. He eventually gave in and made it appear as though he was at least being productive. Small doodles and meaningless phrases soon covered a page in his notebook, a notebook that didn’t hold a lick of information. 

By the time lunch rolled around, he felt like he had his soul sucked out of him. He wandered out to the back of the school, taking in a deep breath of the fresh, slightly humid air. He tossed his bag down, sitting on it to avoid getting his jeans wet on the dewy grass. He quietly observed kids playing with a football, others frantically trying to finish the homework for their next class, and one kid getting high. There wasn’t anything off about it, but if that kid got caught, he’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble. 

All would’ve been fine by Dream's standards if it wasn’t for the smell of weed getting closer and the feeling of another presence slowly filling up his senses. Dream liked his space, and most people didn’t even bother to give him a second glance most days because of the way he carried himself. Still, an unfamiliar, high kid was suddenly sitting near him and staring at him like he was the most interesting person in this entire school. 

“So, who are you?” A voice, presumably from this random guy next to him, asked. 

No answer from Dream because _why does he even care._

Dream guessed that the other took the hint since he didn’t speak again, but he didn’t move away either. A lighter clicking caught his attention, finally meeting the eyes of the other with his own before glancing down to see a joint being lit. 

“Want one?” A calm, slightly rough voice offered, to which Dream nodded. 

He was given one along with the lighter; he lit his joint and took a long drag, feeling it slowly fill up and burn his lungs. He handed the lighter back as he exhaled the smoke. 

“Names Sapnap, by the way.” Sapnap? What kind of name is that? 

“Dream. You can call me Dream.” He stated back, common courtesy, and this guy, Sapnap, gave him a joint for free, so he might as well play nice. 

The more he smoked, the more Sapnap rambled, the more he seemed to relax. In a way, it was calming, maybe because he wasn’t expected to do or say anything, but he did listen. Sapnap was spitting out nonsense, just filling the air with words, but Dream didn’t even care, he let Sapnap talk, and he listened. He didn’t learn anything interesting; nothing being said was valuable information. 

The bell rang, but neither men moved. The joints were long gone, but the relaxing environment was a lot more appealing than a classroom full of sweaty kids and a teacher that wasn’t actually teaching. They both stayed. It’s not like anyone was looking for them. 

The relaxing atmosphere was eventually pulled from them as Sapnap stood up and motioned for Dream to follow. Despite his urge to stay seated, he pushed himself up and grabbed his bag, following the other absentmindedly. He didn’t care where they were going, but he did recognize that they were walking away from the school; at least he wasn’t being dragged back to hell. 

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but a gas station wasn’t it. He continued to follow Sapnap, grabbing himself a bag of chips and lemonade. He soon realized that Sapnap most definitely had the munchies, and that’s why they were here. However, Dream’s stomach was begging him to finally indulge in some food, thus why he grabbed himself a snack. 

They paid and ate their snacks, silently making their way back to the school. They made it back just in time to go to last period, which Dream would’ve skipped if he wasn’t mindlessly walking there on autopilot, and Sapnap was following him, guess they had the same class. The two sat next to each other, not really being productive, but they weren’t interacting either. 

As the school day came to an end, Sapnap offered a wave, and Dream mimicked it before leaving. Finally, back in his car, comfortable and coming down from his high, he drove home. As to be expected, the blissful end to one part of his day led to a dreadful start to the other part of his day. Learning, shadowing, silently resenting the man he was being conditioned to be. 

His father was loud, and that made Dreams head throb with annoyance. The ending shouting, the orders he was sent to fulfill, the training, and the need to be strong, but the feeling of resentment made him stiff. He was told he would be just as strong as his father, a good leader, but his father was a man he didn’t want to be anything like. 

As his day rolled to an end, he found himself thinking about the only time he felt remotely okay all day when he was getting high with someone he knew absolutely nothing about.


	2. Equanimity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Struggling and fighting off one's internal demons is never an easy game, and Dream has merely scratched the surface of what is to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy this chapter!  
> I want to clarify at the end of the chapter that the bold font is an inner voice and the italic is Dream responding to it.  
> Comments are greatly appreciated, suggestions and criticism will be taken to heart!

Time is a concept that was made up and implemented into our lives, and it moves painfully slow but far too fast. A feeling of sluggishness takes over before the feeling that time is running out takes over. Dream is in the state of sluggishness, feeling as though everything is moving deliberately slow just to drag on the heavy pain that courses through his body and settles in his bones. 

The hours merge into days, and he feels like he’s being dragged through the repetitive days he calls his life. The same schedule boring him out of his mind, making his body sore in a silent plea for change. 

He vaguely remembers what he had done the past few days; when he tried to push for more details, it was like he was sifting through muddy memories that were meant to be forgotten. Though, he can distinctly remember a specific figure in his life starting to come up more in his day-to-day life. 

Sapnap had taken a particular interest in Dream, which Dream didn’t understand, but he wasn’t necessarily complaining. Sapnap attached himself to Dream, followed him everywhere during school when he could. The two had allowed themselves to get closer; _Dream allowed Sapnap to get closer._

As the week draws to a close and Dream is forced to go between in his so-called home and his fathers ‘business’ headquarters at all times, he silently wishes time would, for once, move faster. His days were filled with training, listening, and seeing horrid acts of violence that made his stomach churn. The thought that one day he would have to commit such acts forced the oxygen out of his body and kept it out until he managed to reel himself back in mentally and forced himself to be physically put together, especially in his current position in front of men that could kill him before he could register what had happened. 

His hands were freezing, fingers stiff and barely moveable as he held a gun steadily in his hands. Being taught how to shoot, perhaps one of the most essential things to survive, kill the enemy before they kill you. The sound of the bullet exiting the barrel made his ears ring, was he supposed to get used to this? The recoil made his wrist ache, and the scolding for missing the target made his throat tighten and burn. He's done this before, but every time he thinks about why he’s being taught this, suddenly his vision is blurry, and the targets dance around tauntingly. He can’t shoot them. He can’t shoot a person. 

He drops the gun, and his body wobbles as he walks out to get fresh air, to feel for a moment, just a moment, that he is free. He rubs his wrists and cranes his neck up slightly; the sun is setting, and the colors are mesmerizing to him. He feels some tension release from his shoulders, and he deeply inhales the cold air that is oddly refreshing to his lungs. He wishes he could feel completely relaxed in a moment like this, to be able to let his guard down, but he’s not allowed to, it could cost him his life one day if he believes he can let his true self take over for just a second. 

He never steps foot back into what he deemed the real hell of his life, and he went home. His room was cold but strangely inviting. His door clicked shut behind him as he sat down on his bed, running his hands through his rough feeling hair and giving it a soft tug out of frustration. He didn’t stay in this position for long, instead deciding to grab fresh clothes and take a much-needed shower. 

The hot water was a drastic change from the cold atmosphere of his house, a soft sigh of relief escaping his lips as he let his body bask in the comforting warmth. His fingers tingle slightly as he feels blood rush to them, his usually cold hands now abnormally warm. He hums as the scent of vanilla floods his nose as he works the soap into his skin. Vanilla mixes with soft lemon undertones as he washes his hair. His hand grasps the cold metal handle and slowly turns it to stop the flow of water. The cold tile meets his feet as he lazily dries himself off and tugs on comfortable clothes. 

He soon becomes overly aware of the heavy feeling pulling at his eyelids. He’s far more tired than he thought he was. He lets himself switch to autopilot, brushing his teeth and returning to his room, the cold air biting at his exposed skin as he drops onto his bed and pulls the blankets over himself to provide warmth for himself. 

The rest of his weekend remains blank in his mind, which leads him to wear an empty look on his face as he arrives at his school, at least there’s something, or rather someone, to look forward to seeing here. He walks inside, and his eyes scan the crowds of people. That empty stare in his eyes almost falters as he sees Sapnap in a far corner by himself. Dream moves his way through the people, brushing against way too many bodies for his liking, but all was okay as Sapnap noticed him and perked up. 

“Dream!” Sapnap’s voice rang in Dream's ears. He gave a small smile and leaned against the wall. He felt relatively comfortable with Sapnap like he could at least relax a little bit. 

“How was your weekend?” Sapnap asked a simple question that made Dreams brain go blank for a moment. 

“Boring, it was boring.” He answered, it was the truth if shooting a gun and training to be a mafia boss was seen as boring, which it was to Dream. 

“How was yours?” Dream asked in return. 

“Oh, it was great, I mean, it was normal, but it was great.” Sapnap said with an amused tone, “I was just playing video games all weekend.” he continued, a soft shrug following to counter how excited he sounded about playing video games all weekend. 

Dream didn’t have that luxury, and the way Sapnap got so excited confused Dream slightly. He supposed that was just because he wouldn’t know; he’s never experienced most things, people their age have, so being a little lost was normal for him. 

The conversation fizzled out, poor communication on Dream's part and understanding on Sapnap’s part. Even if Sapnap knew next to nothing about Dream, he managed to stay within the boundaries Dream set before he’d even really spoken to Sapnap. Dream was grateful for this. Not having to explain anything was important to the way he lived. He didn’t know anything else besides secrets and white lies to cover up the secrets he had. Though, Dream suspected it was a matter of time until Sapnap pushed on a boundary, asked a question that would make Dream fumble, and attempt to push Sapnap away because the fear of his secrets spilling out was a lurking feeling that rested in the back of his mind at all times. 

Friendship was an odd concept to Dream, one he didn’t quite understand. Why would people make themselves vulnerable to someone? People are capable of horrible things, so why let someone get so close? Were people not scared of someone stabbing them in the back, whether metaphorically or realistically; Dream was terrified of it. Relationships were a forbidden sweet for him, something he wanted when he was younger, and now something he knew better than to ask for. Being alone with no ties is how you win at the game, how you win at life and get all of the power. That’s what he was taught, at least. 

He silently went through his day, thoughts screaming into his ears and driving him crazy. This was something he hated about himself, the way his thoughts would take something so minuscule and make it into a big deal. He didn’t like being on edge because of something that wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a conversation or a simple thought, yet his brain managed to make him overthink until it was all he could think about until the outside world didn’t matter. 

He snapped back to reality as Sapnap gently shook his body, a worried look on his face. Dream took a moment to collect himself, rubbing his face before looking back at Sapnap and giving the best reassuring smile he could. 

“I’m fine. I was just thinking.” He breathed out, a lie followed by the truth. Fine was not how he would actually describe how he felt. The sweaty hands, the slight tightness in his chest, and the overwhelming urge to either scream out or cry in frustration was anything but fine. 

“Do you want to skip our last period?” Sapnap offered quietly, to which Dream nodded almost eagerly. 

As the period ended, Dream grabbed his bag and stood up. He followed Sapnap out of the school, fishing his keys out of his backpack and looking at the other with a raised eyebrow. 

“Do you have a car?” He asked a simple inquiry. To which he got a shake of the head in response. The two walked to Dreams car and got in, tossing their bags in the back. 

“Where are we going?” Dream asked, tilting his head to get Sapnap in his line of vision. 

“We can go to my place?” Sapnap offered, seeming a little hesitant. 

The two decided that Sapnap’s place was probably the best place to go since there weren’t many other options. The drive would’ve been filled with silence if it wasn’t for the music quietly playing through the car speakers. 

Sapnap’s house was standard, precisely what Dream expected if he was being honest. The inside décor was intriguing to Dream, maybe because his own home was quite plain and lacked any sort of personality. Sapnap’s room, well, that was something else. His room didn’t match the rest of the house; it was a little messy, there were many different posters on the walls, it was very exposing to Dream. Sapnap’s interests were plastered to the walls for anyone to see, quite the contrast to Dream's room that was so plain that it even seemed to lack vibrance in the colors of the walls and the bedsheets. Everything in Dreams life was dull now that he thought about it. 

“So, what do you want to do?” Sapnap asked, breaking the silence between the two. 

Dream didn’t know how to answer, he thought for a moment, fingers fidgeting as he attempted to find a typical answer somewhere in his brain. Sapnap was patient, waited silently for Dream to finally answer. The gears in Dream’s brain slowly turned to remember the conversation the two had earlier that day, and he had his answer. 

“Do you want to teach me how to play a video game?” He asked, barely loud enough for Sapnap to even hear. A teenager that hasn’t played a single video game isn’t ordinary, and to say he was expecting some sort of negative reaction would be the truth, but Sapnap just nodded and grabbed two controllers. Dream took one and slowly went to sit down, trying to get comfortable in a foreign space to him. 

Dream caught on pretty fast, and he found himself enjoying it. He was having fun, genuinely laughing and messing around with Sapnap in a game that he just learned how to play. 

Suddenly time sped up for Dream, far too fast for his liking. He was feeling welcomed, and he didn’t want to leave, but the clock ticked in the back of his head. He knew he had to go. He had to leave the one place he was feeling somewhat safe. 

He bid his goodbyes, and he felt all of the tension rush back to his body. His jaw stiffened, hands clenched, and his shoulders straightening. His grip on the steering wheel was harsh, his knuckles turning white from the building up tension and slight annoyance. He wished he could’ve stayed. He wished he didn’t have to go home of all places. Anywhere would be more appealing. 

He felt like he was suffocating the second he swung the front door open. He was forced to sit down and eat a proper dinner. Questions arose of where he was and what he was doing, to which he didn’t reply. _They don’t need to know. If they know, I’ll have to cut him off._

The dinner was short-lived, cut short by the lack of care within the small family. There wasn’t a point in pretending that they got along. They didn’t. The connections were cut long ago within his family, or rather, his father forced the rest of the family into being what they are today. Each of them are alone and forced into positions that they didn’t deserve to be in, but when a mafia leader makes a family, nothing else is expected. 

Dream lays in his bed, debating if he’s making the right choices if Sapnap should be in his life. Dream is risking a lot, but he is also putting Sapnap in danger by getting close to him. Relationships are dangerous. Connections with others is a weakness. Dream was supposed to be alone, trust no one but himself, but his brain is pulling him every which way, stretching him thin. 

**The friendship will ruin you.** _I believe Sapnap is good for me._

**Sapnap is getting too close.** _But what if I want him to get close?_

**He’ll destroy you.** _How could you possibly know that?_

**He just wants to make you weak, to get inside your walls, inside your head.** _Is that so bad?_

**People are poison.** _People are poison, yet he doesn't seem to be poisonous, but if I indulge, does that mean I’ll die?_


	3. Habromania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream finds himself slowing down and doing things that could get him in trouble, but he's also never felt better in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get this chapter out as early as I wanted to, but I hope you all enjoy it!

Trust is something that must be earned. One has to show that they are trustworthy, and the time frame of which one does that differs. Sapnap had managed to show this much faster than anyone else in Dream’s life. Dream has seen many men try and fail to enter his life, men that were meant to protect him, or men meant to serve underneath him. None of them ever made it far with Dream. He was able to block them out, not allow them to get close; his walls stayed up and never cracked. However, Sapnap had managed to fracture his walls with a sledgehammer of safety and trust. 

Over the time frame of a few weeks, Dream had found himself sneaking around to be able to see Sapnap. The male never questioned Dream’s odd schedule or raised guard when Dream obviously wasn’t supposed to be seeing Sapnap. This was strangely refreshing, to rebel in such a way, it was addicting to Dream. Fear still lingered over Dream at the thought of being caught, not fear for himself, but fear for Sapnap. If they did get caught, Dream didn’t know what would happen to the other. Maybe nothing, maybe he’d get killed for being too close. 

Dream wished he could just spill his secrets to Sapnap, but no matter how close Sapnap got, Dream kept most things private. Sapnap seemed fine enough with this, he’d gotten comfortable enough to try and push the harsh boundaries Dream set, but he never prevailed. Dream silently hoped that one day he’d break and finally give in, let someone see who he really is, but what if Sapnap left him after? What if someone finds out and Sapnap is given the treatment of torture for Dream’s mistakes? It just wasn’t an option, not to Dream. 

Currently, Dream was debating if he was in the mood to go to school. Being absent didn’t mean anything to him or his family, so he could easily skip if he wanted to do so, but school was a place he could go to see Sapnap without having to worry about being caught for daring to have a friend. The internal debate soon came to a close as he forced himself up, and he got ready. He did the bare minimum to fix up his appearance. He didn’t care about what others thought of his looks; they were merely background noise as he went about his day. 

The school was louder than usual for Dream, or maybe his brain was just amplifying it. Either way, he felt himself getting slightly annoyed by the chatter that echoed through the halls. He pulled out his phone and texted Sapnap, hoping the other was already at the school so he wouldn’t have to suffer by himself. A simple reply of Sapnap’s location was enough to get Dream to shove his way through the crowds of people that somehow managed to always stand in the way of the most convenient walking path. 

The two met up in a hallway that wasn’t overly crowded, and they sat in silence for a few minutes. Sapnap looked like he was half asleep still, and Dream was contempt with the comfortable silence between them, so he felt no need to start up a conversation. This was pretty common between the two, a comfortable silence that may look awkward to those looking at them. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Sapnap asked, breaking the silence between the two, and slightly startling Dream, who was half zoned out.   
“Nothing much. Probably just going to be forced to do some family activities.” Dream said, the slight lie rolling off his tongue with ease. Family activities, yes, ones that consisted of him, his father, and probably some form of a weapon. Delightful.   
“Do you want to go to a party with me? I don’t want to go alone.” Sapnap asked, tilting his head to face Dream.   
A party and Dream a combination that will not end well.   
“Yeah, I’ll go with you.” Dream says in return, giving a small nod of his head.   
Bad decisions are like a drug to him, and this was a horrible idea, one that he can tell won’t have a good result, but he couldn’t resist the opportunity. 

The obnoxious school bell closed out the conversation entirely as the two shared a groan and made their way to class. To say they paid attention would be a lie. They usually found a way to mess around with each other, or they’d keep themselves entertained without interacting with each other. 

Today, Dream was just doodling in his notebook. He was thinking about the party he was just invited to. He was slightly worried he wouldn’t have a good time, or he’d get too drunk, or too high, and have to think of some sort of excuse to not get in trouble with his parents, or more specifically, his father. He considered just disappearing for the weekend; it would probably be easier for him. He’d just say he was doing some individual training of sorts, and he could probably get away with it. His mom would immediately back him up. She always did. He could get a hotel room or possibly stay with Sapnap, but a weekend of freedom seemed like paradise to him. Even if that weekend included him possibly getting cross-faded and having to deal with a massive hangover, it would definitely be worth it. 

Dream put his pencil down and stared at the mindless doodles that covered his page. They weren’t necessarily bad, but they weren’t good either. They were dark, though, weapons, messy lines that portrayed his inner thoughts and struggles. Honestly, it was kind of therapeutic for him in a weird way. He often ignored how he was actually feeling, and when he was allowing himself to draw or write freely, he could see or read what he was genuinely feeling instead of the fake feelings he makes himself believe he is feeling. 

The rest of his day was quite bland. He was absent-mindedly going through the rest of his classes. He felt himself grow more tired; the people around him were sucking the energy straight out of his body. Time felt so unreal. At some moments, it would seem to be going by in a flash, and at other moments he felt like hours had gone by, but the school clocks read that not even a minute had passed. He felt like he wasn’t even in his body by the time school was finally dismissed, and the overwhelming need to be alone was the only thing on his mind. 

He’d never exited the school so fast; he didn’t even say bye to Sapnap. He just couldn’t. His social battery was dead, and he needed to rest.   
He stepped into his room, shut the door, and collapsed onto his bed. A long breath slowly flowed out of his mouth as he felt himself sink into his bed. His eyes fluttered shut, and the slight stinging he felt in them slowly faded. A slight ringing filled his ears, the silence was never kind to him, and neither were the voices that screamed at him when the silence lasted too long. 

He focused on trying to hear things outside of the ringing and the voices, and he heard clattering downstairs. His mom was probably preparing a meal that Dream decided he would not be indulging in. He focused on those sounds and allowed himself to drift off into a peaceful sleep—his only true escape from the heavy responsibilities that rested on his shoulders. 

When he woke up, it was pitch black in his room. He slowly sat up and rubbed the blur from his eyes. He looked at his clock and sighed softly, 2:32 am. What does someone do this early in the morning? He slowly stood up and walked out of his room and down to the kitchen. He always hated how clean everything was. Not a dish out of place, there was never a speck of dust on anything in this house, even though nothing was ever touched or used by anyone in the house. It was all for looks, and that really pissed him off. 

He rolled his eyes and opened the fridge, blankly looking inside before he decided to heat up the leftovers that he assumed his mother left for him. He heated up and ate it, scrolling through his phone while doing so. He’d missed many concerned messages from Sapnap, and that made him feel slightly guilty, but also a little warm inside at the fact that Sapnap cared. 

He sent reassuring messages back to Sapnap, claiming he was just exhausted from school, which was the truth. Though, given the time at which he was sending these messages, it didn’t feel as reassuring as he was hoping it would feel. He didn’t expect a text back, and he certainly didn’t expect a facetime call from Sapnap. 

“Why are you up?” Dream asked immediately after he accepted the call.   
Sapnap looked tired and was definitely in bed. He could’ve just woken up, or maybe he was trying to fall asleep when he got the texts from Dream, he wasn’t quite sure.   
“Don’t know, I just am. I could ask you the same question.” Sapnap muttered out; it sounded like he was trying to be quiet to avoid being caught.   
“I just woke up, I’m eating.” Dream replied, lifting his plate of leftovers to show the other.   
Sapnap hummed in response, and Dream could see that he was resisting the urge to fall asleep, which didn’t sit right with Dream. He knew Sapnap would have to go to school, while Dream was probably going to skip.   
“Sapnap, you can go to sleep. You don’t need to stay up just because I’m up.” Dream said, his tone shifting to a gentle undertone. He held care for Sapnap’s well-being. He always seemed tired, and from what Dream could tell, it was because of a messy sleep schedule that left the other feeling drained and never truly refreshed and rested.   
“Can we stay on call?” Sapnap grumbled out, air escaping from his mouth with each word he spoke.   
Dream didn’t care; it’s not like being on a call would disrupt what he was doing because he wasn’t really doing anything and no one else was awake, so it’s not like he would get caught on a call with Sapnap.   
“Sure.” He responded plainly, propping up his phone so he could eat properly. 

Sapnap fell asleep soon after Dream agreed to stay on the call. Dream went on with his very early start to the day. He finished his food and decided to mute himself so he wouldn’t wake up Sapnap as he washed his dishes and went to work out. 

Even if Sapnap wasn’t talking, Dream could feel his presence, and it was strangely comforting. He found himself going about the rest of his morning in silent bliss. His body ached in the best way possible after his workout, and he, for some reason, allowed himself to shower on call. He obviously didn’t show anything, but if Sapnap were awake, he wouldn’t have done that. Dream sat in his room after his shower, sitting at his desk and reading a book. He felt rays of sunshine slowly seep into his room and warm the atmosphere. He heard Sapnap shift, and eventually, he heard what he assumed was an alarm and a very pained groan from Sapnap as he turned it off and sat up. 

Dream turned his head and looked at his phone. Sapnap had just grabbed his own phone and was probably registering the fact that Dream had actually stayed on the call with him for the past few hours. Dream grabbed a bookmark and placed it in his book, shutting it and sliding it to the corner of his desk. He reached for his phone and unmuted himself. 

“Morning Sapnap.” He said slowly and softly, not wanting to be too loud.   
Sapnap didn’t return the greeting with words but offered a gentle smile instead. 

The two ended the call when Sapnap decided that he needed to get ready to go to school or else he would be late. The silence filled Dream’s room, and a long sigh left his mouth as he leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms. Even though he hadn’t slept in that time frame, he felt rested and refreshed. It was odd and unfamiliar to him, but he wasn’t complaining. 

Dream skipped school for the rest of the week. His body ached every time he even considered going. His time wasn’t wasted though, he read a few books and put his energy into training. He felt good, he felt healthy, and everything was a lot more blissful when he did things on his own terms rather than forcing himself to go to school or forcing himself to stay on a strict schedule. Perhaps the random late-night calls he got from Sapnap also played a role in his improving mood. 

On Friday, Dream packed himself a small weekend bag. He planned to stay in a hotel for the weekend since he didn’t want to burden Sapnap, and a hotel room would probably be more comfortable for Dream; it would give him a place to relax without someone invading his space. 

Dream walked down the stairs silently, listening for other noises in the house. Once he deemed that he was the only one in the house, he walked out of the front door and to his car, tossing his bag in the back and getting in the driver’s seat. A sigh of relief left his lips as he started up the ignition and he drove off to his hotel. 

The hotel he chose was far from cheap. He had the money, so he figured he might as well treat himself. He paid for his room in cash just to make sure no one could track his card transactions. His room was dimly lit by two lamps, the white accents of the room contrasted with the lighting. He tossed his bag down and fell onto his bed, a blissful smile resting on his face. He was free for this one weekend; he could do whatever he wanted with little to no consequences when he returned home. This was a weekend he dreamt of for years, and now it was finally here. 

He trusted that the universe would give him this. He trusted that Sapnap would make this a good weekend for him. He trusted that everything would go smoothly. He was blindly walking into this weekend with blissful ignorance.


	4. Fatal Penitence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream recalls very little about the party, and he keeps pushing himself to try and remember more. Though doing that seemed to lead him to a downward spiral of painful memories and bad decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I was super busy and didn't have time to write a chapter, but it's finally here.
> 
> A forewarning that this chapter deals with a lot of topics that may be triggering to some people. (Implied abuse, Internalized homophobia, mention of death.) Dream goes through it and he goes through it hard.
> 
> Also, bold text is the voices in Dream's head.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Dream woke up at an unknown time with his head pounding and his stomach turning with any movement he made. He barely remembered a thing, but he knew damn well he was hungover right now; he also knew that what he assumed was an absurd amount of alcohol was about to force its way out of his body despite his silent pleas for it to stay down. 

His mouth salivated in a sour way as he forced himself up and stumbled his way to the hotel bathroom, collapsing on the floor in front of his toilet and preparing himself for the amount of strain his body was about to put him through. 

He spent what he could only guess was an hour hunched over the toilet, his throat raw and burning from the alcohol and acid that kept coming up. The water from the hotel sink was somewhat relieving as he took some in his hands and brought it up to his chapped lips. The cold water went down his aching throat and soothed it momentarily. He let himself sink back down to the floor, rubbing his face with damp hands as he tried to recall what had happened at the party. 

He could put together fragments of the night. He had fun; there was no doubt in his mind about that, but he didn’t know what he had so much fun doing. He expected to be wasted and to have to deal with the aftermath of participating in such activities, but the lack of memory made him anxious. He could’ve easily done or said something that he would come to regret, and the fact he didn’t- couldn’t remember, it made his mind run in circles and made his chest tighten. 

Soft wheezes left his lips from the rawness of his throat and the constricting of his chest. Breathing wasn’t something that came easily to him in moments like these. On the bathroom floor of a hotel, he pulled at his hair and shut his eyes. He thought back to the beginning of the night, willing his brain to take him through the events of the party. 

He arrived with Sapnap. The two had no problem fitting in with the crowd. Drinks were handed out carelessly, and Dream took quite a few. The smell of sweat, booze, and weed was intoxicating and made his head spin in a delightful way. He remembered the burn taking over his lungs as he and Sapnap shared a joint. He remembered feeling free and feeling the illusion of happiness while he was smoking and drinking like a reckless teenager, something he was meant to be doing more than just once in his entire life. 

Things in his brain got fuzzy, and the memories clashed into a mess he couldn’t completely decipher. He recalled the ghost touches on his face, the sound of someone talking, but he couldn’t clearly distinguish what it was they were saying. The voice was so familiar to Dream, and it felt warm, just like the touches on his face were. Though warm quickly turned into burning hot, and the feeling spread like wildfire through his entire body. 

He snapped back to the present and brought his own cold, calloused hand up to run over his face. His thumb ghosted over his lips as he closed his eyes to persuade his brain into clarifying precisely what he had been feeling. He felt like he was out of his own body as the images flashed in his mind. 

The warmth was produced by someone he had gotten close to, or rather the only person he had gotten close to. He wanted to feel that warmth again, but only the warmth. He did not want to feel the burning heat that now felt like searing burns being left over his own body as he realized what that sensation was linked to. 

Sapnap had kissed him, and Dream kissed back. Not only did he kiss back, but he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the warmth that melted his ice-cold persona. He enjoyed Sapnap’s fingers ghosting over his face, his arms, his back, and his sides. He yearned to feel the warmth and safety that Sapnap provided him with, and he hated that he wished for such touches again. 

Dream clasped his hand over his mouth as he quickly shuffled to the toilet and let himself heave over the toilet. Hot tears ran down his face as voices echoed through his head, and his lungs burned as his body continued to try and force the guilt and shame out of his body in the most unnatural way possible. He never gained relief, even after his body had finally given up. The tears burned as they rolled down his face, and the voices only grew louder as he pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head down in shame that he was conditioned to have. 

**I told you he would ruin you.**

**You’re disgusting.**

**You should be ashamed.**

**No form of love is acceptable, especially not one with another male.**

**You deserve to suffer for your actions.**

**You are a disgrace.**

**You’re dirty. Clean yourself. Punish yourself.**

Dream pushed himself up and ripped off his clothing, tossing it carelessly at the wall and turning on the shower. The hot tears blended with the hot water as it hit his body and provided an odd sense of comfort for him. He scrubbed himself until his skin was raw and the hot water became too much for him to handle. He let the water trickle to a stop, and he stepped out. He didn’t look at himself in the mirror as he dried off. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing himself. He was disgusted with his own actions. Horrified by the fact that he left himself do and enjoy such things. 

He walked out and got changed. The hangover from his previous night of intoxication was long gone. His body buzzed with pain and self-hatred as he gathered his belongings and exited the hotel. His car felt far too small for him as he got into it, and the cool air from the vents bit at his skin in a way that irritated him. He drove with no known destination in mind, eyes tearing up and blurring the road as the voices clashed in his head. 

He should’ve been used to this, to the voices at least. They weren’t new, he’s been dealing with them for years, but now they had new fuel to work with. The endless words of his father bashing him and making sure he knew that any relationship was out of his grasp, but one with a male was strictly forbidden. He never explored his sexuality. He was convinced he would never have an intimate moment in his life. He would be forced to live like his dad, have a fake family and force a relationship with someone that was in love with him, but he wasn’t in love with her. 

Dream didn’t want to be like his dad in the slightest, but the fear of breaking free from his father’s grasp was paralyzing. The thought of having an intimate moment ever again made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and his throat tightens in a looming fear. If his father ever found out about Sapnap or the kiss they shared, Dream would be punished to no end, and Sapnap would probably be executed on the spot. 

Dream gripped his steering wheel, knuckles white from the strength of his hold. His teeth ground together at the thought of Sapnap getting hurt because of him. He had options. He could fight back against his dad. He could continue to hide the friendship if he could call it that or cut off Sapnap as a whole. The last option was cruel, but the one that would ensure Sapnap’s safety. Dream could handle endless beatings and torture for his sins, but Sapnap didn’t deserve to have anyone so much as lay a finger on him with ill intent. Dream would make sure that Sapnap stayed safe, no matter what the cost was. 

He soon arrived to a cabin in the woods. He parked his car carelessly and got out, fidgeting with his keys as he walked up to the door and unlocked it. No one was in the cabin. He knew that. No one came out here; it was a training ground that hadn’t been used since Dream was a kid. 

The cabin held harsh memories for Dream. The cold, worn down floorboards creaked under his weight as he walked. He flipped on a light switch and sighed as the lights flickered on. He didn’t feel safe here, quite the opposite, but he was grown now. He could handle some childhood memories, right? 

There was a chest filled with different training tools. He looked through it, holding some of the weights in his hands. He remembered his dad forcing him to use them until he felt like his arms were about to snap in half. The boxing gloves in the chest brought him back to one of the worst memories of his life. He’d fight other people with those gloves, and his dad would fight him with those gloves. His body ached as he recalled the repeated beatings he was forced to endure. He remembered not being able to go to school because of the bruises and cuts on his body. Some days he couldn’t even move from his bed because the pain was just too much. 

The weapons came next. He bit the inside of his cheek as he picked up a dagger. There was some dried blood from who knows how long ago on it, and Dream remembered exactly what happened that day. The dagger in his hand was used to kill someone right in front of him for the first time. His father had claimed that he needed to get used to seeing such things and that one-day, Dream would have to be the one to end someone’s life. 

Dream didn’t understand it back then, and he cried when he watched his father bring the dagger up to a man’s throat and slit it with no hesitation. Now though, Dream sees it all the time, Dream has felt the pain of being cut and stabbed, and he had scars to show for his experiences. He’s still never killed someone, and he didn’t want to. The thought of ending someone’s life didn’t sit right with him, and he knew that when he did kill someone, their blood would be on his hands until the day he died. 

Dream shook his head and put the dagger down. He brought his hands up to his face and pressed his palms against his eyes. He hoped the pressure would make the thoughts and images leave his head, but alas, they didn’t. He moved his hands back down and grabbed the weights. They weren’t heavy now, but there were heavier ones in the chest, and he decided that any sort of strain on his body was better than the strain on his mental stability. 

He worked his body to every limit possible, and the ache resting in his muscles was glorious. He found himself laying against the dirty floorboards, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his heart pounded in his ears. He got a rush from working out. He liked feeling exhausted physically. The best part of it all was he didn’t have to think when he exercised. He could put his emotion into the strain of the weight on his muscles. The anger was channeled into him, throwing knives and lifting weights that bordered being too heavy for him. The sadness was drowned out by the harsh breaths he let out between each lift of the weights. All he was thinking about was what he wanted to do next up until he felt like he was about to collapse from exhaustion. 

The floor was oddly comfortable as he stretched himself out, and he let his body rest. He’d probably go home once he was ready to move his body again. He had no reason to stay out any longer, and he could very easily get away with saying he was training given his current state. The sweat stains on his shirt and the slight tremble of his limbs were evidence enough that he had, in fact, been training. 

He didn’t consider how difficult it would be to move as his body felt like it was made out of lead. Eventually, he locked up the cabin and got in his car. He played music to keep the piercing silence and voices at bay. The night scenery was pleasant for him, and he found it peaceful to drive when no one was out on the roads. 

He arrived home and walked inside, a weak conversation between him and his father took place. He explained where he was and why he had left without warning before he rushed up to his bathroom and took a much-needed shower. He felt at peace like he had punished his body just enough for the voices to leave him alone for the time being. He was too exhausted to beat himself up mentally about what had happened, and he decided he needed to let it go soon. He made a mistake, that’s all it was, right? A mistake. 

Dream stepped out of the shower and inhaled the steamy air that wasn’t refreshing in the slightest. He wiped down a bit of the mirror and looked at himself. He looked like hell. The bags under his eyes were darker than usual, and his hair was at a length he didn’t like. The scars littering his body pulled a frown onto his face. He wasn’t bad looking to most people. He had toned muscles. He was tall. His hair was long, fluffy, and slightly wavy. People loved how he looked, but when he looked at himself, he saw someone staring back at him that he didn’t recognize. He knew it was him, but he didn’t feel like himself. Everything he did was for his father’s benefit, he never did anything for himself, but he didn’t feel like he had the right to pity himself either. He had money, looks, he was smart, and he could have basically whatever he wanted. What was there to complain about? He had such a nice life; he had all the privileges anyone could ever want. 

He was startled out of his train of thought as his phone rang. He searched around for his phone and found it underneath a pile of his clothes. He looked at the caller ID. 

_Sapnap would like to FaceTime..._

Dream’s phone fell from his hands, and he felt his composure shatter as everything he had been trying so hard to avoid and forget came back to him full force. His breath caught in his throat as his expression blanked, and he mentally went through every scenario he could think of. 

He turned on his heels and walked out of the bathroom, leaving his phone ringing on the bathroom floor as he went to throw on some clothes. He knew he should pick it up. He wanted to know Sapnap was okay because he knew that Sapnap would’ve had to be just as wasted as Dream was at that party. He knew that Sapnap was probably fine, but what if he wasn’t? What if he needed Dream and Dream just couldn’t force himself to pick up that call because he’s a selfish coward. 

Answering that call would mean he would have to own up to his actions and talk about his problems. Avoiding it would cause Sapnap to worry, and eventually, the constant avoiding would cause Sapnap to think he did something wrong. Sapnap wasn’t the problem. Dream was, but how could he just admit that? He wasn’t ready to talk about the internal turmoil he’s been treading through for years. He would rather drown in the turmoil than ever have to discuss it. 

The calls didn’t stop, even as the sun started rising and a new day started. Sapnap didn’t rest. He didn’t let up because Dream always answered. Texts flooded his phone the longer his avoidance went on, and eventually, he turned off his phone because the sound of his ringtone made him want to bash his head into the wall repeatedly. 

He thought that if he didn’t go to school and if he continued to ignore Sapnap, then eventually Sapnap would give up, but alas, Sapnap was not that kind of person. Dream knew this, and he also knew that it was just a matter of time until he had to face Sapnap and face all of the emotions he had pushed into the depths of his brain for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I already know what I want to do for the next chapter, so hopefully, I can get that out before the end of the week.
> 
> Bookmarks and Kudos are much appreciated, along with any comments or suggestions! :)


	5. Misanthrope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dream must face his unpremeditated actions, and it leads him down a path that sparks his emotions and leaves him with a question he never wanted to be asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy this chapter :)
> 
> Thank you all for the support. I really enjoy writing this fanfiction, and I loved writing the last chapter and this chapter.
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated, along with Kudos and Bookmarks!

Time ran through Dream’s life as though he was in the bottom of an hourglass and the sand was flowing down on top of him, counting down the days until he couldn’t merely avoid his problems any longer. He suffocated in the sand, breathing it in as he went through the days that all felt the same to him. His body was aching with the weight of his previous decisions. His heart remained in a sunken state as the messages from Sapnap became few and far between. 

He felt like his mind, heart, and soul were breaking along with ties he had to Sapnap. His body buzzed numbly as he was forced to train during the hours he would usually be at school, and the hours he used to train during when he went to school regularly were now hours for excess training that he always slacked off during. His mind was never entirely with him when he went about his daily activities, and most days, he felt like there were gaps in time that he couldn’t recall. 

Though his blissful form of suffering was coming to a close, he could avoid most things; he could be absent from school for weeks at a time, and his parents didn’t have a care in the world. Despite that, he wasn’t allowed to drop out, so when he realized midterms were starting the following week, he felt like that was a harsh slap of reality followed by a complete beat-down of stress and anxiety that made his body switch into overdrive. 

Dream buried himself in school work the few days prior to midterms. He didn’t know what was going on at all, but he couldn’t afford to fail the midterms, especially not with the C average he was carrying in all of his classes. His nails had been torn and bitten to nubs, sleep became something that was a reward for him, and food had been turned into an option. He was so focused that he didn’t feel anything other than absolutely exhausted. He felt like he wasn’t retaining anything he read, and at some points, the words didn’t look like they were in the English language. 

Ringing startled him out of his slumber, and he slowly lifted his head off his desk. A groan left his lips as he stretched out his painfully stiff neck and back. His hand blindly searched for his phone that had been emitting the horrid ringing. He smacked the screen until the ringing stopped, and he lifted himself off his chair. His legs strained against the dead weight of the rest of his body. He didn’t feel like he should be awake, never mind trying to function at all. However, he didn’t have a choice. 

The cold water of his shower shocked him enough to wake up just a bit more. He let the cold water run along his body, and he turned to let it directly hit his face. He was shivering, but at least he was somewhat awake. He kept the shower on a cold setting as he washed himself, and he sighed as he stepped out and was met with the equally cold air that wasn’t pleasant to him, but any sign of warmth would lure him into a tired state, so perhaps the cold air biting at his skin was for the best. 

He dried off and dressed himself in comfortable attire. Breakfast was waiting for him downstairs, and his stomach made him very aware that he was starving. He grabbed his book bag and walked downstairs, humming as he sat down at the island counter and ate French toast that was cooked to perfection. His mom stared at him with a tired yet adoring look. No words were spoken between the two, but the glances they shared were enough to make Dream feel just a bit better about his impending doom. 

He cleaned his dishes and helped his mom a bit with cleaning up before she nudged his arm and motioned for him to leave. The silence was comforting as he sent her a small smile, and he grabbed his bag. His shoes hugged his feet a bit too tight for his liking as he put them on, and he scrunched his nose at the sensation of being able to feel the seam of his socks against his toes. He ignored the urge to change his shoes as he stepped out of the front door and walked to his car that hadn’t been used since his breakdown. 

His car smelt of an old air freshener that faintly resembled the scent of pine, and his seat was cold yet comfortable. Dream loved driving; it was something that helped him clear his mind. He sat in silence. Only the sound of his tires driving over the poorly paved road could be heard. His fingers tapped against his leather steering wheel as he stared out at familiar scenery. The anxiety and stress sat heavily in his gut as he parked and slowly exited his car. He exhaled as he shut his car door and locked his car. 

The school’s feeling was overwhelming, stress lingered through the halls, and the sound of panic was enough to make Dream’s stomach churn. He walked with his head angled slightly down. The thought of Sapnap seeing him and trying to talk to him this early after the silent treatment Dream pulled made Dream’s chest tighten. 

The sound of the bell ringing made Dream dig his nails into his palms, and he clenched his teeth as he walked to the classroom, he knew Sapnap would inevitably be in. Not only did he have to deal with being in the same room as Sapnap, but he also had to deal with explaining to the teacher why he had been absent for so long without a forewarning. 

The moment he stepped foot into the room, he forced himself to look forward and was met by a surprised look from his teacher. He walked over and fidgeted with his hoodie strings as he told the teacher that his father had been in the hospital and Dream had been tasked with taking care of him until his father was back to a healthy state. The lie slipped from his mouth with ease, and the expression on his face switched to match the lie. The look of pity he gained from his teacher didn’t faze him. 

What did faze him was when he turned to walk to his seat, he was met with dark green eyes that held a mix of emotions. Dream took in a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand. He had to deal with that later or run away from it later. Those same green eyes burned into him as he walked to his seat with light steps that made no noise. He wasn’t sure if he was even breathing under the gaze that was far too intense for him to handle. 

Dream reminded himself that he caused this, and Sapnap had every right to look at him in such a way. Dream wasn’t necessarily scared of Sapnap, but he was afraid of how badly he hurt the other. Based on the look, Sapnap looked like he wanted to cry, yell, and beat the hell out of Dream, but also wanted to make sure Dream was okay. The drop of sorrowful sincerity in those fierce emerald eyes made Dream feel like he had just run over a puppy. Despite every other emotion that Sapnap felt, Dream couldn’t fathom the thought of Sapnap having an ounce of care for Dream after what he did. 

The test in front of Dream was easy compared to the thoughts and feelings he was dealing with. Dream knew the answers to the majority of the questions on the test. Some he guessed on, and some had to be messily filled in as the hour he had turned into five minutes. He passed his test up and slowly grabbed his bag with an unsteady hand. He stole a glance at Sapnap, who seemed to have no intentions of talking to Dream at the moment, considering Sapnap looked a bit pale in the face and was obviously concerned over the test he just handed in. 

Dream rushed to his next class, telling the same lie, getting the same response, and taking the test. His whole day was just a repeat of the same events. Still, the thoughts, worries, and feelings he was having were making it increasingly difficult for him to focus on the tests that mattered much more than Sapnap, well in the eyes of his parents, the tests mattered more than anything else in Dream’s life. 

Dream turned in test after test, and his hand ached from filling in bubbles and answering poorly written questions that he provided poorly written answers for. He was merely hoping to pass as he got to the last class, a class he and Sapnap used to skip every day. He sat in his assigned seat and stared at his desk. His hands were trembling, and they were cold and clammy. He felt sick to his stomach, not because of the test, but because Sapnap felt the need to make Dream painfully aware of his presence. Sapnap happened to be sitting right behind him, and he was kicking the back legs of his chair and staring at the back of Dream’s head with a burning mess of emotions that Dream knew he would have to deal with head-on the moment the bell rang and dismissed the students from the school. 

He swallowed dryly as he was handed a test. His brain was scattered. Sapnap continually tapping his foot on the back legs of Dream’s chair was driving him crazy, and the words on his paper seemed to clash together. He took a few minutes to gather himself; he pressed his palms into his eyes and took a few deep breaths to try and ground himself. He tapped his foot anxiously as he started on his test. He knew the information, but formulating sentences seemed to be an impossible task for him. He barely finished the last question in time. He hated short response tests usually, but this wasn’t the usual environment he was used to. He was overwhelmed, and his brain was short-circuiting because Sapnap had finished way before him and made it extra difficult for Dream to focus. Dream figured that he deserved the treatment, but he felt irritated with the fact that if he failed the test because of Sapnap, he’d be ridiculed and punished at home even though it was a situation he had no control over. 

The second the bell rang, the first thing Dream felt was a tug on the back of his hoodie. He turned to his side and packed up his things, seeing Sapnap stand up and wait for him. This would be reassuring if Dream wasn’t under a suffocating gaze that made sweat build on his hairline. He slowly stood up and grunted as Sapnap shoved past him, a signal for Dream to follow. He could’ve just walked away, could’ve quickly walked to his car, gotten in, and locked the doors to prevent Sapnap from getting to him. He knew he had the option to run, Sapnap gave him the opportunity to leave, but Dream’s legs moved to trail closely behind the other. 

The cold air hit his face as Sapnap pushed the door open, and they stepped outside. Dream knew where they were going, the place they first ever interacted, the back of the school where no one would be, where they wouldn’t get caught. Sapnap stopped walking and tossed his bag down. He stretched out his arms and took a deep breath of the refreshing air. Dream put his bag down with cation and watched Sapnap. Anxiety built in his stomach and rose to his chest as Sapnap slowly turned on his heels, and he stared into Dream’s eyes with a piercing gaze that made Dream’s head spin. 

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Sapnap asked simply, but Dream felt the air get knocked out of his lungs from such a simple question. 

“Or maybe I should ask why you’ve been avoiding me all day.” Sapnap stated it with clenched teeth that matched his clenched fist. 

Dream had no intentions of fighting Sapnap, well he had no intentions of ever speaking to Sapnap ever again, yet he never blocked Sapnap’s number, and he willingly followed the other to the back of the school. Frankly, Dream would rather have Sapnap beat the shit out of him over having a conversation with him. 

Dream flattened his lips into a line as he tried to think of some sort of explanation or lie to get him out of this situation, but Sapnap seemed to see right through Dream’s plan, and he harshly grabbed the collar of Dream’s hoodie and pulled him closer. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me Dream, I’m not going to believe your bullshit stories.” He almost shouted, his face uncomfortably close to Dream’s. 

Dream opted for silence. Maybe if he didn’t say anything, Sapnap would just throw a punch, and they could be done with this whole ordeal, but Dream was an idiot for thinking such a thought; Sapnap wasn’t going to let Dream off the hook. 

“You stopped talking to me after the party. Why?” Sapnap inquired as he loosened his grip on Dream’s hoodie and backed up slightly but kept his hold and advantage over Dream in both physical and conversational aspects. 

“I got sick.” Dream stated dryly. This wasn’t necessarily incorrect. He was horribly hungover, and Dream was sick, but he was sick in the head, not in a physical way. 

“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Dream.” Sapnap’s annoyed voice told Dream that he was testing the other’s patience a bit too much already, and they had just started. 

“I didn’t feel great after the party, and I needed time by myself.” Dream spat out, an irritated tone taking over the words and manipulating them to sound much worse than intended. 

“You could’ve told me. You could’ve communicated, but then again, communication isn’t really your thing is it, huh? So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Poor little Dreamie felt shitty and decided to push away the only person that gives a damn about him.” Sapnap sneered out, his words laced with pain and poison that Dream was forced to ingest. The words stung as Dream took them in, and Sapnap held no remorse for what he had said. 

“Yeah, so what? Maybe I did push you away, but here’s the thing Sapnap, I didn’t need you before, and I sure as hell don’t need you now.” Dream breathed out, his words were light, and a wicked smile rested on his lips. He was telling the truth, or at least he wanted to believe that he didn’t need Sapnap. 

The laugh that left Sapnap took Dream off-guard, and the punch that connected perfectly with Dream’s jaw would’ve caused him to stumble back if Sapnap didn’t still have his hold on Dream’s hoodie. His jaw ached in a way that wasn’t unfamiliar in the slightest, and the chuckle that left Dream was completely unintentional. The pissed off look on Sapnap’s face fueled some sort of fire in Dream, and the second punch was blissful for him. He felt like he was getting what he was pushing off for weeks. Dream knew deep down he was a horrible person, and Sapnap using him as a punching bag was the lightest of punishments that Dream should receive. 

“You know you’re an asshole Dream. I took you to that party because I trusted you, and I wanted you to experience something fun, but you just disappeared after. Did you want to use me? Was that your whole goal from the start? Do you enjoy hurting people? Making people feel secure and then shattering everything?” Sapnap’s screams flowed into Dream’s ears, and the sound of what Dream identified as sniffling made him focus his eyes on Sapnap’s face. 

Dream suspected that he dealt a great deal of damage to Sapnap through his actions, and in reality, Dream was selfish with the way he handled the situation. The tears on Sapnap’s face complimented the red accents on his face from the pure amount of anger and emotion he was putting into each punch. Dream’s heart ached in a way he hadn’t felt before. He felt like his heart was being stabbed and torn out of his chest. The taste of blood in his mouth and the slight watering of his own eyes only became prominent when Sapnap dropped his grip and Dream fell to the ground. He spat his blood into the grass and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He kept his head down as he willed the tears to stop before they dared to drop. 

“Do you even care?! Do you care about me at all? Did you ever care about me?!” Sapnap screamed as he fell to his knees. 

Dream had seen heartbreak before, but not heartbreak caused by his own hands, and not the heartbreak of someone he had a connection with. Dream wished at this moment that he had never become friends with Sapnap because the pain he caused the other was something he would regret for the rest of his life. 

“Say something, Dream...” Sapnap muttered, barely loud enough for Dream to hear. 

His face throbbed, he was sure his lip was busted, and he was definitely going to have some harsh bruises on his jaw. 

“I’m sorry.” Dream said, his voice rough. He slowly looked up and locked eyes with Sapnap. Emerald green eyes were glistening with tears, a bittersweet sight that made Dream’s stomach twist. 

“Are you?” Sapnap asked, complete disbelief in his words. 

“You weren’t meant to get hurt, only me. I’m the one that was supposed to get hurt. I was trying to protect you, but I think I ended up protecting myself. I-I really don’t know I didn’t mean to Sapnap. I never want you to be hurt.” Dream let the words fall from his lips before he could even think about what he was saying. 

“Protect me from what?” Sapnap asked as he brought his hand up and wiped the tear tracks off his face. 

Dream didn’t reply. 

**You said too much. You’ll pay for that later.**

**Or maybe Sapnap will pay the repercussions for your big mouth.**

Dream turned away as his stomach twisted once again, and the bile in his stomach burned his throat and mouth. He groaned and spat the excess on the ground. 

“Dream. Who are you? Who are you really?” The question echoed in Dream’s head. 

Who was he? He was lots of things, but mostly he was someone that Sapnap shouldn’t be around. He was someone Sapnap shouldn’t trust. He was someone that would be tasked to kill someone one day, and Sapnap should never have to see such a thing or be around someone that can commit such acts. 

Dream turned and stared at Sapnap. His eyes were void of all emotions, while Sapnap’s eyes held every emotion possible. 

“Sapnap, you don’t want to know who I am.” Dream stated, his head tilting and his eyes narrowing as he maintained eye contact with Sapnap. 

“Dream. Don’t tell me what I want.” Sapnap said as he crossed his arms. 

“I know what I want. I want to know who I have been spending weeks worrying about. Who it is I’m this emotionally attached to. I want to know who I trust with my life, but who clearly doesn’t trust me with theirs.”


	6. Divulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream's forced to swallow down his fears and bare his soul to Sapnap, the one person he swore to never give in to and tell his secrets to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter!
> 
> A reminder that bold is the voices in Dream's head and italic is his response, underlined words or sentences are meant to be emphasized as you read them!
> 
> TW: This chapter includes many sensitive topics such as the following: derealization, mention of abuse, homophobia, and harsh language. 
> 
> Please regard your own mental state before reading this chapter.

Dream’s head was spinning. Sapnap shouldn’t want to know him. He shouldn’t even want to be in the presence of Dream. How was Dream supposed to come clean about everything? Expose himself entirely to someone that could inevitably leave him? 

He reached his hands up to thread through his dirty blonde hair, tugging at the handfuls of strands. The stress on his scalp was relieving, but the feeling of Sapnap staring at him, waiting for an answer, made the relieving feeling boil down into fear and anxiety. 

There was no way Dream was going to spill his truths and secrets to Sapnap so easily, and especially not in such an open area. He shook his head repeatedly as he stood up, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in as he went to grab his backpack. It was a low move, trying to leave the situation that he was far too deep into, and Sapnap made quick work of grabbing the backpack before Dream could get a grasp on the strap. The unfocused and blurry vision wasn’t helping Dream in his quest to find an escape. His stomach was aching, and his head was pounding. Frankly put, he felt like shit. 

He turned his head to the other, who was waiting patiently, much to Dream’s surprise. He was obviously waiting for Dream to say something, anything, but Dream had no words. His mind was blank, he was panicking, yet all thoughts left him the moment he thought of leaving. He couldn’t bring himself to go, and he couldn’t leave Sapnap hanging again. He wouldn’t hurt Sapnap ever again, or at least he’d try his damn hardest not to. 

His hands shook as he shoved them into his pockets, his brain scattered, his vision coming in and out of focus. Was this just panic, or had Sapnap given him a concussion? He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He cared about trying to figure out a lie, a way to tell Sapnap everything but nothing at the same time. He couldn’t let his tongue slip again, or else he might as well cut it out of his mouth. 

He trusted Sapnap, don’t get him wrong, but Sapnap didn’t need to know about Dream’s life. Dream didn’t want the pity. He didn’t want Sapnap to feel sympathy for a man that didn’t deserve it in the slightest. 

Dream let the words Sapnap had said minutes ago finally set in. Sapnap trusted him with his life? Why? Why did Sapnap trust him so damn much, and why was Dream contempt with this idea? He should’ve been freaking out, yelling at Sapnap to break that trust now before it was too late, but Dream knew that if it came down to it, he’d sacrifice himself if it was for Sapnap. 

**When did you get so damn weak?**

**Letting another person control you? Letting a man control you?**

_Is it that bad to want someone in my life that cares?_

**You know you don’t deserve it. You deserve to rot in hell.**

_Can’t I make up for it? Can’t I allow myself to be happy just this once?_

**Happiness was never an option, and it isn’t one now.**

Dream bit his tongue, the metallic taste of blood returning to his senses as he dug his teeth into the soft flesh. He only stopped when the voice drifted away, and he felt like he could breathe again. He believed those voices, the ones that told him he deserved nothing but to suffer all through his life. The ones that told him to hurt someone to make his own pain go away, even if it was just for a moment. Those voices, they confused him. 

Sapnap walked in front of Dream, placing a grounding hand on his shoulder. Dream instinctively tried to pull away but was met with the hand tightening in a way that was comforting rather than threatening like he was used to. He slowly looked the other in the eyes, his own shaky and unfocused, while Sapnap’s were clear and stern. Sapnap wasn’t playing Dream’s game anymore. It was Dream’s turn to accommodate to the other’s wishes. 

“Let’s go to my place,” Sapnap stated, he wasn’t asking, but Dream wished that Sapnap had left the door open for him, even just a crack. 

Dream nodded slowly in forced agreement. He didn’t have a say in this, and he was painfully aware of that. His legs moved against his will to follow the other, and he tossed the other his keys when Sapnap held his hand out, signaling that he would be driving. 

Dreams never wanted to jump out of his own car so badly. He wanted to jump out of his own body at this point. He bit at his nails as his eyes locked onto the plain black dashboard in front of him. Something so simple has never been so interesting to Dream before, and the fact that Sapnap had to keep his eyes on the road made this just a bit easier for Dream. Dream would usually flinch away if he tugged at a piece of skin that was too raw on his fingers, but today that stinging pain was something he welcomed with open arms. A distraction from the clock inside his head that was rapidly ticking and reminding him that in a few minutes, he’d be sat in Sapnap’s house being forced to spill his life story to the other. 

He’d usually lie, he’d find a smooth way out of the situation, but Sapnap could see right through him, and Dream’s façade was cracking under the pressure Sapnap constantly applied with reassuring words and touches and with those eyes that were usually so welcoming but were so stern at this moment. Sapnap was a toxin that Dream couldn’t resist. Sapnap was a drug that Dream was so hooked on that he’d rather die than give it up forever. 

Dream didn’t remember getting out of his car and walking into Sapnap’s house. He didn’t remember slipping his shoes off and sitting on Sapnap’s couch. He sunk into the cushions, and his heart sunk with the rest of his body. He felt like he could vomit again if he had anything left in his stomach. The cold water bottle offered to him was a silent reassurance that Sapnap was going to at least be patient with Dream through this process. The cold, crisp water went down his throat smoothly and soothed the lingering ache that had rested there. 

Sapnap sat on the other couch in the living room, giving Dream the space he desperately needed, breathing room to emotionally collect himself before he had to breakdown his life and possibly breakdown once again as he relived everything. Explaining his life to someone was unknown to him, and the fact that it was a foreign experience made the stress spike in his stomach. He felt like he could faint, and he was manually breathing, and his mouth was dry despite having just drunk water. 

“Dream...” Sapnap said softly, his voice quiet like he was trying not to startle a stray cat. 

Dream took in a slow breath and released it quickly, feeling his shoulders quickly drop into their sunken position. 

“Where do you want me to start?” He asked, internally cringing at the fact that he didn’t even know where to start on his own life story. 

“The beginning, I suppose.” Sapnap offered, leaning forward in a curious manner that he couldn’t hold back. He looked like a puppy that was waiting for a treat, and each bit of information Dream gave up would be a treat to Sapnap. 

“Ever since I was young, I was taught that to be safe; I had to be alone. I was taught to protect myself from others by never interacting with anyone that wasn’t in my immediate circle or the immediate circle of my father.” Dream started, his hands coming up to provide meaningless motions to his words. 

“When I was about eight or nine, I started to...follow my dad around a lot. I watched him do a lot of things, told to watch and learn because one day I would have to do the things that he currently does.” He tried to keep it vague, but Sapnap was far from happy with his vagueness. 

“What exactly does your dad do? You never talked about your family before.” Sapnap asked with his eyebrow arching upwards in slight suspicion. 

Dream paused and pressed the palms of his hands together. There was no point in lying. Sapnap would see right through any lie that left his lips. 

**If you tell him, you put him in danger.**

**Do you want him to live how you live?**

**Do you want him to suffer?**

**Do you want him to die?**

_No. No. No. Please leave me alone._

**He will be tortured.**

_No._

**He’ll die. He will. You know he will.**

_No._

**Do you want him to? You want to see him suffer, don’t you? Filthy bastard.**

_No. I want to help him. I want to protect him. I want him to be safe._

**Oh honey, you know that’s not what you really feel. You know you don’t care about him. You wanted him to suffer for those weeks you ignored him. You want him to suffer more. You want to cause that suffering.**

_No. No please stop lying to me._

**Stop lying? You’re the one lying to yourself. Silly boy. I am you, and you are me. You are all of us. Each one of us you hear, we’re all you.**

_That’s a lie. You are foul, the others are foul, you’re all liars, and I am not you._

**But you are. Who else would we be? We’re inside your head, not anyone else’s.**

“Dream?” 

He snapped back to reality, his eyes shutting tight to bring himself back completely. 

“Sorry about that.” Dream muttered as he opened his eyes slowly, blinking a couple of times to clear his vision. 

**Lie. Clay, lie.**

“My father is the head of a mafia.” Dream admitted, inhaling and holding it in as he watched Sapnap’s expression. 

**Damn idiot.**

Sapnap seemed confused at first, and then slowly, he started connecting the puzzle pieces that Dream had previously set out for him. Sapnap looked at him with an expression that was unreadable to Dream. 

“Are you allowed to tell people that?” Sapnap asked, his voice wavering in a way that Dream connected to fear. 

Dream felt his blood run cold in his veins. 

**You aren’t allowed to tell people that.**

_I am very aware of that._

**Why’d you run your mouth to him about it then?**

_He asked._

**Oh, so if he asked you to give him all of your money and asked you to disappear, would you do that too?**

_If that’s what he wanted from me, yes._

“Do you think I’m allowed to tell people that?” He deadpanned. 

“No.” Sapnap responded; he seemed to collect himself during the short gap of silence between their words. 

“Continue,” Sapnap said, gesturing for Dream to continue with his hand. 

“Basically, from the age of ten and on, I have been trained to be the person that I am today. I do physical training daily, and I was conditioned from a young age to think and act the way I do now. I was taught that love was not real and that I would never experience love. Everyone around me told me that my purpose was to continue the family business.” Dream said blandly, the cold feeling running through his body soon shifted to a feeling of complete numbness. 

“Do you think you can love?” Sapnap asked, opening his mouth to say something else but deciding against it. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know what love means. My father is only with my mother so that she can be a motherly figure in my life.” He said as he slowly pushed himself to sit up properly. 

“Are you expected to have a wife someday as well?” 

The question was bitter, and it made Dream think about the day after the party. The day that caused all of this. He was expected to have a wife, and he was only against that because he felt it was unfair to whomever he ended up with, but now he felt completely different about it. 

**Here you go again. You’re questioning everything that doesn’t need to ever be questioned.**

_Why can’t I question it?_

**You are straight. You can’t be anything other than that. You will have a wife. You will carry the burden of being the head of a mafia. These are things you are destined to do. You cannot change destiny.**

_Who said I couldn’t change my destiny?_

**Well, you did. Remember? I am you.**

“Yes, I am expected to have a wife.” Dream answered, nodding his head slightly. 

“Let me rephrase that. Do you want a wife?” 

**Yes. Say yes. You are meant to have a wife. You cannot love. You are meant to have a wife to carry your children and to aid in their upbringing. You are meant to train your first-born son to be the next leader. You cannot change these things.**

“I don’t know.” Dream breathed out. 

He felt his stomach turn. He shouldn’t have to question himself. He should know. He does know. He’s straight. He can’t be with anyone in a platonic or romantic way. He’s just supposed to be heartless and help his wife bring in the children that would suffer just as he has. 

“Dream?” 

“Yes, Sapnap?” 

“Are you straight?” 

Dream clasped his hand over his mouth and choked down the need to vomit. He refused to allow himself to vomit or heave over a toilet again, not over something that shouldn’t be a problem for him anymore. He wasn’t homophobic. He hated himself, and he was conditioned to believe that if he ended up with a male, he would feel nothing but pain. He needed to break that connection, that chain of thoughts in his head. 

Dream looked up and was met with conflicted eyes that held sorrow and drops of anger that weren’t directed at Dream, but rather the ones that made Dream feel sick to his stomach at the mention of sexuality. 

**Look at how he’s looking at you. He’s looking down on you. You’re pathetic.**

“Dream. You’re safe here.” Sapnap said, yet kept a painful distance away from Dream. 

Sapnap’s words were always warm and caring to Dream. He felt like he was being hugged every time Sapnap spoke to him. This time though, it was different. The words felt forced, like false security being placed over Dream, and he would be a fool to fall into the safety blanket that would be pulled out from underneath him. 

Dream is a fool. 

“Dream, you can talk to me.” Sapnap tried to persuade Dream to calm his body down and speak once again. 

Dream swallowed down his fear and disgust in himself. He placed his hand in his lap and stared at the carpeted floor. 

“My father always said that if I loved anyone, especially if I loved a man, that I would suffer the fate of a thousand knives slicing into my skin.” He shakily breathed out. 

“He said if ever caught me with a male, he would punish not only me but the one I love.” 

Dream clenched his jaw; tears blurred his vision. He was now aware of how he was manipulated in such a horrible way. He ignored his own feelings for so long that now he was beyond confused, and the pain he felt made him want to scream and cry until his vocal cords no longer worked. 

He cleared his throat and rubbed the tears from his eyes. This was not the time or place for him to cry. 

“I’m in a position where all I can do is listen and obey. I’m not my own person. Everything I do is to please my father. I have a mother and a sister I love dearly, but we don’t speak to each other. If we talk too much, we get punished. If I do anything out of line, I am forced to train for hours on end or forced to fight people until I can’t move because my body hurts so badly. I watch people die. I’m trained in the skill of killing people. Do you want to trust someone like me, Sapnap? Do you really trust me with your life? Do you really, truly care about me? Can you bear to carry the weight of the baggage I come with?” Dream rambled, he spilled out more than he ever thought he would, and he snapped. 

**If he doesn’t care and you’ve told him all of this, you will have to kill him.**

**You’ll have to kill him before your father gets to him.**

**Did you tell him all of this so you’d have the opportunity to kill him? You’re sick.**

_I wouldn’t do that. I care about him._

**Wrong. You think you care about him because he gave you an ounce of attention. You’re naïve.**

_He wouldn’t hurt me._

****He’s the reason your face is throbbing. He’d probably kill you. He’s probably only close to you because he works for someone else. He wants to kill you. Protect yourself.** **

_He doesn’t. You’re lying. You’re trying to make me do something I’ll regret._

****Me? No, you. You are setting yourself up. You are thinking these things. You set this whole thing up. Don’t you remember? This was always the plan.** **

_What- What plan?_

****The plan to finally get your first kill, of course.** **

_No. No, I wouldn’t do that._

****But you did. You don’t even remember. You’re so screwed in the head. You’re confusing everything. You’re even confusing yourself.** **

**I am you.**

**You are me.**

**We are you.**

**You are us.**

**Remember that.**

**Remember me.**

**Remember us.**

“Dream. I care about you. I know you’re confused, and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. This isn’t your fault. You don’t know any better. I still trust you. I’ll always trust you, Dream.” 

“But do you still trust me with your life? Now that you know who I really am. Do you still feel safe? Do you feel as though I’m someone you want to be around?” 

“Dream, everything you’ve told me has only been proof to me that you are strong, that you can protect me. But it also tells me that you need someone to protect you as well.” 

Dream’s mouth fell open, complete shock taking over his body. 

“Sapnap you- you can’t feel that way. You can’t want me to be around. Sap-” 

“Dream, you’ve already told me too much. We both know that.” Sapnap crossed his arms over his chest, giving Dream a knowing look. 

“Sapnap, it’s not a good idea. You could get killed! You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. I’m a lost cause. You need to let me go so I can let you go.” Dream pleaded, his words laced with worry and fear. 

His chest was tight, this was the last possible outcome he thought of, and it was the one outcome he didn’t want. He’d rather be shunned by Sapnap, be looked at with utter disgust. Instead, Sapnap gave him a thread of hope that wrapped around his limbs and tightened around his throat, waiting for the moment to kill Dream in cold blood. 

“Dream, it’s time you let your walls fall. Let me help you. Let me be your guide to a whole new world, a world where you will learn about the parts of life that aren’t so bad. Please, let me inside your walls and let me help you rebuild them.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Comments, Kudos, and Bookmarks are highly appreciated.
> 
> Also, the formatting on this chapter was horrible, but nevertheless, it was enjoyable to write.
> 
> Remember you are all real people, you are real, this is real, and please have some water and take care of yourself if you are feeling uneasy after reading this chapter.


	7. Halcyonic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream and Sapnap repair the worn-down bond that Dream so desperately tried to break, and they allow for the bond to become stronger than it was before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dreamnap soft chapter because I think we all needed it.
> 
> Hope you are all doing well, remember to drink water and eat as well! If it's late for you or you haven't slept consider sleeping soon as your health is important.
> 
> Comments are highly appreciated! I look at them all and I will try my best to reply, they also keep me motivated and I love to know how you guys liked a chapter or if you have any feedback for me! 
> 
> Kudos and Bookmarks are also appreciated, I try and update at least once a week.

Dream couldn’t produce any words. Only sounds of shock and confusion left his lips as he looked at Sapnap with a look full of concern. Dream wanted to feel warm, wanted to let himself enjoy the thought of Sapnap being with him and helping him through his life, guiding him to living in a way that wasn’t dull and full of pain. Even if that’s what he wanted, it’s not how he felt. He was overwhelmed with emotions. He didn’t notice the hot tears running down his face, and he didn’t notice how his body was trembling. 

Sapnap didn’t rush to his aid to comfort Dream. Instead, the space between them grew bigger as Sapnap went into the kitchen to do who knows what. Though, Sapnap knew Dream well enough that he knew Dream would appreciate this space rather than twist it into a bitter space that would make him feel worse. Dream took this space with open arms and let it engulf him. He heard faint clanging of dishes from the kitchen as he brought himself up, and he walked to the bathroom, each step feeling like one too many for his body to handle. 

Dream turned on the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. He was a mess, his eyes bloodshot from the non-stop crying that he just now noticed. He calmed his sore eyes and red-hued skin with cold water from the sink. His breathing even out as he slowly stopped the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions that were taking place in his brain. 

Sapnap cared about Dream, and he made that incredibly clear. Dream took time to process this, to shut off the voice in his head that told him that Sapnap was lying. The rational side of Dream knew better. He knew Sapnap wouldn’t lie, especially not after Dream spilled his guts and soul to him. 

The white hand towel hanging off of a hook was soon pressed against Dream’s face, soaking up the remaining water that had yet to dry against his skin. He felt ordinary, calm, maybe a little too calm given the new situation he was just placed in and new feelings that had just bombarded him. 

He opened the bathroom door and was met with the smell of food being cooked, possibly steak, but he wasn’t quite sure. He wasn’t quite sure why his chest filled with warmth the moment he walked into the kitchen and saw Sapnap cooking food for both of them. Dream wasn’t hungry in the slightest, or at least he didn’t feel like he was, but he’d gladly sit down and eat with Sapnap, and he could probably use the nutrition after the day he just had. 

Sapnap slid a plate of steak and broccoli in front of Dream before retreating to ‘his side’ of the kitchen to eat his own food. Dream cut into the steak and took his first bite, it wasn’t the best tasting steak he’d ever had, but it definitely wasn’t bad either. Dream was used to exceptional cooking, so maybe his tastebuds were just too accustomed to his lavish lifestyle. 

Dream cleared his plate quickly, both to show he was grateful for the food and because he realized how hungry he was about four bites into the meal. He washed his own dish, ignoring the displeased sound Sapnap let out. Sapnap always treated Dream overly well whenever they hung out at Sapnap’s place. Dream didn’t particularly enjoy it, and he liked to help out whenever he could get away with it because that’s how he was at home. Sapnap would always huff or groan whenever Dream dared to pick up a dish and wash it himself, but Sapnap had never directly told Dream to stop, so Dream continued with his little habit that benefitted both of them. 

The brunette grabbed two sodas for them and grabbed the back of Dream’s hoodie, pulling him up to the other’s bedroom. Dream could’ve taken a guess at what time it was, probably just a bit after four, meaning Sapnap’s mother would be returning home soon. Sapnap always liked to retreat into his room when it was getting close to when his mother would come home. She had seen Dream on multiple occasions, and she liked Dream, treated him like a son. 

Dream couldn’t help but wonder if the all too kind woman noticed his absence in their home. She had offered for Dream to stay the night when it got late, and she had always made sure he had eaten or was going to eat when he got home. She was very caring, and Dream guessed that Sapnap picked up on that trait. 

A small smile pulled on his lips as he sat on the comfortable bed that wasn’t as new as his own bed at home but was much more welcoming than his bed ever could be. The familiar sounds that Dream labeled as Sapnap’s playlist playing through his PC speakers that were probably left on all day since Sapnap always forgot to turn off his PC when he was done using it. The two were comfortable, drinking their sodas and listening to the music they both knew too well. Occasionally one would sing along, and the other would listen with a smile plastered on their face that revealed the true but unspoken feelings that lingered between the two. 

A dirty blonde male that was fighting an uphill battle internally and didn’t even consider his sexuality until the day he woke up and got sick because of previous statements that played on repeat in his head. 

A brunette male that had a big heart that had fallen for a friend and had kept it to himself until he got intoxicated and couldn’t control himself then woke up the following day feeling horrible about what he had done and then had to deal with the one he had fallen in love for leaving him alone for far too long. 

Both men were broken. They both had untold stories, unspoken secrets. 

But only one of them had to be helped through the mental turmoil of forbidden sexual preference. 

And only one of them had to be the one that helped. 

One problem of many, two men, one drowning in pain and voices, the other diving headfirst to pull him out and get him to breathe. 

“Dream?” 

The other gave a lazy hum in reply, not even giving the other a glance as the ceiling was somehow capturing his interest. 

“I think we should talk about the party, or more importantly, what happened after the party.” Sapnap’s voice wavered, holding his nervous energy in each syllable he spoke. 

Dream’s posture immediately straightened upon hearing the other speak, turning his head to look at him, lips parted and worry written over his features. He didn’t want to talk about it. He’d be forced to bring out the deepest parts of an insecurity he didn’t even know he had until he remembered Sapnap kissed him at that party, but if Sapnap wished to speak on the touchy topic, Dream would oblige. 

“Why?” Dream asked, his voice just barely above a whisper. 

“I’m assuming you remembered what happened that night, and I first off want to apologize. I shouldn’t have kissed you, especially because I didn’t know where you stood regarding your sexuality.” Sapnap started, his eyes staring into Dreams. 

Dream’s eyebrows furrowed together gently; the other’s apology confused him. Why would he apologize for something he did when they were both not in their right minds? 

“You started ignoring me after the party, meaning that you remembered what had happened, and that must’ve triggered something for you, and that is something I want to apologize for as well.” Sapnap said, his voice dripping with a sweet sincerity that Dream would’ve scrunched his nose at if it was anyone other than Sapnap saying such words with such meaning and feelings. 

“You don’t need to apologize for that. We both were cross-faded, not in our right minds-” Dream also would’ve pulled away if he didn’t want that kiss to happen, and he knew that, even if he was high and drunk at the time, he wasn’t so far gone that he was stumbling around, and he could remember everything from that night as well. 

“-And you don’t need to apologize for how I reacted to the situation, you didn’t know, and I didn’t know that I had been conditioned to feel so strongly about it. The thing is, I don’t feel grossed out or disgusted when it’s other people, I fully believe anyone can love whoever they want to love, but when I see it in myself, I can’t help but feel absolutely repulsed with myself. How were you supposed to know I felt that way when I didn’t even know that I felt that way? Don’t apologize for things you have no control over, Sapnap.” Dream rambled on, his emotions getting the better of him. 

To say Dream was upset or angry would be an understatement. He was furious, and the fire of rage he had against his father grew with each realization Dram had. 

Sapnap’s expression changed from sincere to worried. Dream felt the other scoot closer with caution, but Dream wasn’t going to push him away; his stillness was an invitation for Sapnap to embrace him or comfort him in whatever way he saw fit. 

“Dream, I feel sorry because you didn’t know. I feel sorry I was the one that unlocked those feelings for you about yourself.” 

“Better you than anyone else.” 

Dream didn’t register himself say it. The words slipped from his mouth before he could think about the meaning behind them. Even after he got over the gentle shock of allowing such words to leave his lips, he felt calm, he didn’t regret saying it, and he meant it. 

Dream heard the other sniffle and was pulled into a hug that hurt his ribcage because of how hard Sapnap was squeezing him, but he found himself wrapping his arms around the other, rubbing his back gently to calm him down. Usually, the roles were reversed. Dream was the one that needed to be calmed down, and to be on the other side of it was a whole different experience. 

“Sapnap, what has happened to me in the past will always linger within me, but if I want anyone to know about my past and to help me work through the memories and trauma with me, it’s you. You’re the only person I trust that part of me with. You’re the only person I trust my life with.” He muttered into the other’s hair, his eyes shutting as he felt himself shake with the weight of his words. 

Dream was worried he’d do something to scare the other off, or he’d say something or remember something that would set him on a rampage. Most of all, he worried that he’d somehow manage to hurt Sapnap again, and if he ever did that, he’d never get over how it felt. He already held his guilt and the weight of his actions from the first mess up. How many more could he handle? 

Dream held on to Sapnap until he pulled away, they shared a look, and they heard the front door open. 

The two were quick to separate. Dream pulled out his phone on instinct, and Sapnap wiped the lingering tears off his face before sitting at his PC and opening a random game to make it look like he was busy. 

The two doubted that Sapnap’s mother would care about finding them in such a close position, but Sapnap had clearly been crying, and they both had an unspoken agreement never to let Sapnap’s mother find out about the fight or about Dream’s life, meaning Dream was currently brewing up a series of lies to explain where he had been if he was okay, and why his face was all busted up. He was also preparing himself for the amount of care he was about to be showered in. 

Footsteps made their way closer, echoing up to the door that was currently shut and hiding the two on the other side. A gentle knock alerted the two that time had run out to collect and prepare themselves. The door opened, and Sapnap slowly turned around in his chair to face his mother, and Dream turned his head to do the same. 

“Clay?!” Her voice was full of surprise and joy. 

She was quick to walk in and pull Dream up and into a hug that was almost as painful as Sapnap’s hugs. 

“Where have you been? Are you okay? And what happened to your face?!” She pulled back and gasped gently as she examined Dream’s face, which caused him to feel the aching pain that he somehow managed to force his brain to forget about. 

“Nick, go get the first aid kit while I talk to Clay.” She said, the other male quickly getting up to follow the instructions he’d just been given. 

“Now then, tell me where you’ve been all this time.” She said with a gentle smile. 

Dream missed that smile, and he missed that stronger southern accent she had that Sapnap somehow didn’t pick up on as much. 

“My family and I went on a trip that was supposed to be a surprise. I didn’t know I was going to be gone for so long, or else I definitely would’ve told you.” He said, giving a gentle smile. 

He wasn’t sure where he pulled that lie from, but he couldn’t make his family sound as horrid as it was, and he didn’t want to cause unwanted worry, so a vacation made sense. 

“Oh really? Where did you go?” She asked curiously. Her enthusiastic mannerisms always made Dream get a surge of energy, even now when he felt drained and his body was dealing with constant aching pain. 

“Oh, we went to England. The weather was great; it was never hot there. It was so different than what I’m used to with the humid weather here.” He said, sticking his tongue out slightly to mimic distaste with the weather, although he didn’t mind the warmer weather all that much, except maybe the lack of snow during the winter season. 

“That’s so fun, and I hope you had a great time. Now, what’s happened to your face?” She asked, raising her eyebrow in concern. 

Dream could understand why she was so concerned, Sapnap did a number on Dream, and he’d have to explain this again to his parents later, but a simple lie was all that was needed to cover his own ass and to cover Sapnap’s ass. 

“I went to get a snack from the gas station at lunch because I forgot to pack a lunch, and I got jumped. Some kids just wanted some money, I guess.” He huffed out softly. 

It was a believable story, and Sapnap’s mother didn’t know that Dream was fully capable of fighting, so the lack of defensive wounds was justified. 

“That’s terrible, are you alright? Do you need anything? An ice pack or something? Nick will clean you up with the first aid when he gets back up here.” She said, a frown forming on her face. 

“No, no, no. I’m alright. Trust me, it looks a lot worse than it is, but thank you.” Dream reached his hand to gently rub her arm, calming her before she got too concerned for Dream. 

It wasn’t worse than it seemed; his face hurt, but he was used to it, so it wasn’t that big of a deal for him. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t clean up such small cuts, but if that’s what she wanted, then he’d let Sapnap clean them. 

Sapnap came back in, first aid kit in hand. His mom lectured him about cleaning the wounds and then left the two of them alone. 

Sapnap walked in front of Dream and knelt on to the floor, looking at his face and grimacing at how badly he had hurt him. How Sapnap’s mom didn’t see the slight bruising on his knuckles was a mystery to him but also a blessing because that made the lie completely believable. 

“I didn’t know I hit you that hard.” Sapnap mumbled as he took out some cleaning pads and hydrogen peroxide. 

He poured some on one of the cotton pads and gently started cleaning the cuts on Dream’s face. 

“Sapnap, trust me, this is nothing.” He muttered back, staring at the other as he didn’t have anywhere else to look. 

He’d expected Sapnap to react to what he had said, he’d directly implied he had been in much more pain multiple times, but Sapnap just continued cleaning. The slight stinging was familiar to Dream as his wounds were cleaned, the positioning was awkward, and Sapnap opted to stand after realizing how much Dream had to hunch over for him to be able to clean the cuts properly. 

Sapnap’s thumb gently raised Dream’s face to the correct angle, and he continued to clean his cuts before moving to bandage them up thoroughly. Sapnap huffed as he bandaged the last cut and started cleaning up the bloody cotton. He didn’t bother to put the first aid kit back, and he sat down next to Dream, resting his head on Dream’s shoulder. 

They sat in silence as Dream’s fingers combed through soft locks of brown hair. He hadn’t meant to lure Sapnap to sleep, but the pace of the other’s breaths slowed, and his weight shifted to rest on Dream completely. 

Dream hesitantly checked the time on his phone, holding back a groan as he moved slowly and laid Sapnap down. He moved off the bed and turned off the PC, so it wasn’t running all night. He looked at Sapnap. The peaceful look resting on his face made Dream’s heart flutter, which he completely ignored. 

He walked out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him as quietly as he could. He walked downstairs, telling Sapnap’s mom that he’d fallen asleep before he left the house. His heart sank slightly, and he found himself missing the warmth of Sapnap’s household as he drove to his own. 

He walked inside, kicking off his shoes and tossing his bag down. He somehow managed to slip into his bedroom without being seen by any member of his family. He collapsed onto his bed and groaned loudly into the pillow that encased his face. He turned onto his side and scrolled idly through his phone for a few minutes, but the lurking feeling of exhaustion soon started taking over Dream’s body. He tugged off his clothing as he got up, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and lazily putting them on before he laid back down, pulling his blanket over himself and sighing as he let himself drift off into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the softer chapter.
> 
> Should I have my Twitter here and use it to answer questions and give updates or would that be silly? Please let me know! :)


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